Advice for the Enemy

Billy Crystal is walking around pretending that nothing is wrong. But we all know, similar to that scene in The Exorcist, he is crying out for help through messages on his forehead.

Hey, Billy, I feel your pain. We've been there. It's been a while, but Red Sox Nation is no stranger to hopeless baseball situations. Here's a little advice to the newcomers:

1. Get your jollies by rooting against the Red Sox. With all your might! If your stinky team can't put together a string of meaningful wins, then root for "whoever plays the Red Sox." Make up tasteless nicknames for Red Sox players and shout out, "Red Sox Suck!" at every game, regardless of whether or not the Red Sox are playing in it.

2. Give the Red Sox shit about their inflated pay roll.

3. Show us your soft side. Share your feelings. Have a good cry.

4. Talk about the days of old. Remember the Dynasty. Celebrate the good times.

5. Savor your victories. Though it is doubtful that your current team will provide you with much joy this year, live in the moment. Just don't praise A-Rod when he cheats to deliver a win. Which brings me to ...

6. Petition to get rid of A-Rod. Can't you see now why he is clubhouse cancer?

Try to keep your chins up, Yankee fans. Maybe someday, your organization will be run by an ethical group of professionals instead of the devil himself.