Warning: Depressing Cancer Post

Cancer is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. I keep trying to imagine what my mom's heart and mind go through on a daily basis, but I don't think I really can. If I were her, I think I would just be frightened all the time. I would feel like I was staring at death from the other end of a looooooooong hallway. Death waits for all of us at the end of a long hallway, but most of us are usually pretty unaware of it. I saw her last Friday, per the usual. She was a little tired. By Sunday, she was on the couch all day. She apparently picked up the flu and was totally down for the count (chemo kills all of your white blood cells). I popped in to drop something off and she was sleeping peacefully without her wig. It was hot and muggy, so she just had a t-shirt on. She has little patches of hair left, her eyebrows are almost completely gone. I just lost it. Watching someone go through this is second only to going through it yourself. I've dealt with my father's sudden death and the dismantling of my first marriage. Those things were difficult, but nothing compares to the utter helplessness and gut-wrenching pain you feel when someone you love so much is facing something this horrible, painful and cruel. I pray for at least one remission. Or just ONE FUCKING DAY for her to feel normal again. I wonder what we did to deserve this. But, then I have to remind myself that it's a disease. It isn't personal. There is no rhyme or reason. It just happens. Everyday. To thousands of people. You just feel like you're being thrown all over the place by this huge enemy you can't see. I'm always on edge. I'm always waiting for scary news.

I spoke to her this morning, briefly. She was at the clinic getting her blood drawn. She said that she was feeling much better. This gave me some relief.

I think I need a support group or something.