Up to 70%

The oncologist up'd my mom's chemo to 70% this week and she's still doing great! I've been enjoying one of her zucchini breads all weekend. Mmmm ...

Mom Stuff

For those of you all not in the know, my mom has been feeling really great as of late. With her chemo cut in half, she is feeling better than ever! The oncologist is going to contiue to increase it until she reaches her threshold. The goal is for her to be able to function without horrible fatigue and nausea during her treatment. She is going to a wedding this Friday evening and she is all excited to be getting her nails done and dressing up. The outfit she picked up is very nice.

I asked her if she thought she might be able to go back to work part time, but she said that she is afraid to in the event her platelets go down and she becomes susceptible to infections. I forgot about that part. She is a nurse and she's around sick people all day.

I really think we are going to have a normal Christmas this year.

The Results Are In!

The results of my mom's latest tests are in and they are very good. Though the cancer in her lungs is "stable" (meaning no further growth, but no improvement), the disease in her lower back is beginning to eradicate. (To follow up on an earlier post, the ER doctor was totally full of it and there was never a period where the cancer suddenly left her lungs) We are happy as clams! She is going to cut the chemo back to once every three weeks so that she can enjoy one solid week a month of feeling good. She called me this morning to find out if I knew anyone who could get her some reefer. This was recommended by her oncologist to fight the chemo-induced nausea she's battling with. Unfortunately for her, I don't dabble in that kind of stuff. I bought pot one time in college and felt so awkward doing it. Mom's oncologist said that he could prescribe a pill form of the drug, but it wouldn't be as helpful as smoking the real McCoy. So if you all know anyone that can perform this discreet service ...

The MOBA is branching out! Not only do they have a permanent collection of shoddy classics in Dedham, but the Somerville Theater now houses a new crop of gaudy goodness! Furthermore, the MOBA has recently published a book, cataloging their priceless works. It is a must have!

Speaking of publishing, Jere and his mom's book has had it's publication date pushed out to October 15th. Fear not, Red Sox mystery enthusiasts ... it's worth the wait!

Onto gripes (which I am becoming quite good at these days). High gas prices have forced folks into a greener lifestyle, meaning that a lot of people have decided to cast their cars aside in favor of pedaling their bikes from point A to point B. This is great news for the environment and helpful in cutting back some demand for oil. I hold these intentions in the highest regard, especially since I am still shoving gas into my vehicle, thus perpetuating our dependence on the stuff. With all the new bike riders on the road, I think a refresher course re: the rules of the road is in order. Either riders don't know or know and choose to ignore the basic rules of the road. Here they are, lest we forget:

• Ride only one person on a regular bicycle; seat facing forward; not on handlebars.
• Ride with at least one hand on the handgrips at all times, do not hold packages.
• Ride one person to a bike unless it is designed for more passengers.
• Bicycles are vehicles like cars, and follow all traffic rules.
• Ride to the right side of the roadway.
• Ride a bike path adjacent to a roadway, if one is provided.
• Exercise safety; wear a helmet and give the right-of-way to pedestrians on sidewalks.

I have never witnessed a person on a bike stop at a traffic light and wait the full amount of time required. I rarely see cyclist using proper hand signals. Often times, bikes come out of no where and sit in my blind spot on the wrong side of the road. I don't want to have to accidentally injure anyone. Why, oh, why are people hell bent on not using common sense? There is nothing to physically protect a cyclist from danger (and, more often than not, their own naiveté). I hope that the police have raised this concern and notify people on bikes when they break the rules. Are the not subjected to the same moving violations as anyone in a car?

Warning: Depressing Cancer Post

Cancer is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person. I keep trying to imagine what my mom's heart and mind go through on a daily basis, but I don't think I really can. If I were her, I think I would just be frightened all the time. I would feel like I was staring at death from the other end of a looooooooong hallway. Death waits for all of us at the end of a long hallway, but most of us are usually pretty unaware of it. I saw her last Friday, per the usual. She was a little tired. By Sunday, she was on the couch all day. She apparently picked up the flu and was totally down for the count (chemo kills all of your white blood cells). I popped in to drop something off and she was sleeping peacefully without her wig. It was hot and muggy, so she just had a t-shirt on. She has little patches of hair left, her eyebrows are almost completely gone. I just lost it. Watching someone go through this is second only to going through it yourself. I've dealt with my father's sudden death and the dismantling of my first marriage. Those things were difficult, but nothing compares to the utter helplessness and gut-wrenching pain you feel when someone you love so much is facing something this horrible, painful and cruel. I pray for at least one remission. Or just ONE FUCKING DAY for her to feel normal again. I wonder what we did to deserve this. But, then I have to remind myself that it's a disease. It isn't personal. There is no rhyme or reason. It just happens. Everyday. To thousands of people. You just feel like you're being thrown all over the place by this huge enemy you can't see. I'm always on edge. I'm always waiting for scary news.

I spoke to her this morning, briefly. She was at the clinic getting her blood drawn. She said that she was feeling much better. This gave me some relief.

I think I need a support group or something.

We've Got a House!

In theory, anyway. Lots of paperwork still needs to be processed (and looked over by an attorney), but we accepted the counter-offer, with a few conditions. The deposit is in! Soon, we will be "Pawtucketites." "Rhode Islanders." "People who live in a very small state." Wait, we are already people who live in a very small state.

Word to the wise: Don't buy spray on sun screen. It doesn't work all that well. My lobster burn today is proof. And Jere's little nephew (one of the family members we spent yesterday with on his parents' beach) came running into their condo at the end of the day screaming about the sunburn on his back. He then looked at us and said, "I'm gonna take a tub!" He is so adorable. By the way, the sunburn was the only drawback to yesterday's fun. We had such a blast hanging out with everyone, including Jere's cousin Kara, her husband Ben and their super cute daughter, Lanie. It was the first real summer day. I think we checked every box - kayak, float, ocean, swimming pool, beach, picnic. Good times!

Speaking of good times, I should also mention that we went to Manny's big 500 home run game in Baltimore last weekend! Special thanks to Taylor and Kathie for treating us and letting us stay at their place in Philadelphia after the game. Loved the waffles! It was nice to get a real crab cake, too. I know New England offers kickass seafood, but nobody makes a crab cake like the fine people of Baltimore. And I am a big fan of it.

Mom update: She's doing well, though I could punch that old E.R. doctor in the head. After more scans by her oncologist, she was told that there is still cancer in the lungs. And everywhere else. Bu the good news is that it hasn't gotten worse or metastasized any further. They changed up her chemo, so her side affects won't be so bad. This one just gives her an intolerance to cold temperatures (she likens drinking cold beverages to swallowing shards of glass) and messes around with her jaw when she chews. Other than that, it seems to be better for her. She prefers this to vomiting.

I will be spending this sweltering day indoors making soap and other bath products to prepare for a pretty big Stella Marie spa party on Friday. It is best for me to stay out of the sun for a while. Besides, game 2 of the NBA finals is on tonight. Not to be missed!

Wig Shopping

Though my mom's chemo is not technically supposed to cause her to loose her hair, it's thinning quite a bit (it was already very thin to begin with) and she's decided to have it cut really short and buy a wig. So ... that's what's on the agenda today. Somehow, I don't think it's going to be as fun as the old days of going to department stores and trying on the worst ones, then breaking out in huge fits of laughter. Who knows? Maybe she'll be in a goofy mood. She had a blood transfusion this week and she feels like a million bucks. Lots of energy, full appetite, more color in her face. She's like a new person.

I can't WAIT to start looking at houses this weekend. If I had loads of expendable cash, I would opt for a retro kitchen in black, red and white. Check out these amazing (and super expensive) appliances from Northstar in Candy Apple red:





I would also go with a 1950's table and chairs. Look at this gorgeous number:



I adore this button back chair in Tiffany blue, but they do make them in a "crushed ice" red:




And in sports:

The Celtics are going to have to win a road game, it seems. And how about the Red Sox? Two grand slams? The Royals are probably feeling pretty low right now. They really got knocked around.

Speaking of ...

A little after 5 PM yesterday, I called my mother. I had been on the phone with a mortgage lender earlier in the day and felt really good about beginning the process of buying a home. The pre-approval should happen before the end of the week. Between some money I have saved and some savings bonds I inherited from my father (who inherited them from my grandmother), I've managed to put together a little down payment. I wanted to share this with my mom. She answered her cell phone from the emergency room. At this point, I don't panic at the idea of knowing she is there. It's more like, "What, now?" She's had shortness of breath and lightheadedness and was advised by her oncologist to go to the ER. They proceeded to run their usual battery of tests, including an EKG and a chest x-ray. Both came back normal. To the chest x-ray results, my mother replied, "Normal, except for the cancer, right?" (I may have mentioned that the cancer metastasized to both lungs.) "There is no evidence of cancer in your lungs," the doctor said.

No cancer in the lungs.

NO CANCER IN THE LUNGS!

I guess the chemotherapy is doing it's job. We don't know about the other areas, but my mother did say that the tumor under her rib is loosening up. I don't want to get my hopes up, but when you are dealing with cancer, you have to celebrate all the victories - big and small. Because you don't know when it's going come around and take the wind out of your sails again.

The shortness of breath is due to a low oxygen level in her blood. She will need to discuss a way to treat that with her oncologist. It is supposed to be at least 60 and it's fallen, continuously, down to 21 since last year. This, combined with her asthma, is causing her to feel winded just by walking from the driveway to the back door. She may need iron supplements or possibly a blood transfusion.

She is going in for a port-o-catheter today to make her chemotherapy treatments a little easier. It's better than digging and digging for a vein that eventually presents itself. She's got tricky veins. She would make a terrible heroin addict. Or, at the very least, a very slow one.

Speaking of cancer ...

On another happy note, Lester pulled a no-hitter out of the ether yesterday! I wonder if he had a port-o-catheter. Someone at work just pointed out that he has an enormous head. It's true. And it's all fuzzy bear on top. Anyway, you've got to tip your hat to John Lester. Cancer survivor. Pitcher extraordinaire. Until his next start, anyway.

Speaking of pitching ...

We lost our softball game last night. You want to know why? Because we played a team that clearly belongs in a more advanced league. It sucks that a group of highly skilled players gets together and decides, unanimously, to play in the recreational league simple because they'll breeze their way through. Jerks. Plus, I struck out looking during my last at bat. Jere did great! Came up HUGE in the outfield and robbed these jackasses of a few good rips.

Speaking of coming up HUGE ...

The Celtics play game one against the Pistons tonight at the Gah-din. I am so excited! Prepare to be riveted, people! I predict that Ray Allen is going to step up his game tonight. And hopefully Doc will let Eddie House play again.

Ocean State

After that exhausting, but incredibly exciting 7 game series, I hope that the Celtics advance to the big show. I still can't believe they've made it this far. Paul Pierce was just incredible. 42 points, all by himself? I think that was the number. He was definitely in the zone, making all of his shots and the whole team displayed tight defense all game long. It's a tough break for Cleveland, but the Celtics are so deserving. I just hope that they aren't too pooped out for the series with Detroit.

Well folks, we are officially moving to the greater Providence area in September. This decision was made so that I can be closer to my mother's house. We have a very helpful real estate agent and I feel really good about this move. I will still commute to Waltham 4 days a week. We begin looking at properties next weekend. I have to get pre-approved before the weekend. The prices are really good and I don't anticipate any bidding wars, so we should be able to snag a sweet deal. I am hoping to have a large, usable basement to turn into a workshop for my soap business. I will need a sink, electricity, lots of available space and a refrigerator. I will miss Somerville miserably.

Mom update: She's had her 4th dose of chemo. At this point, she's fatigued 24/7. And she's really weak. At least she's in a position where she can continue to sleep as she needs it, totally uninterrupted. But I'm sure it's frustrating for her to not really be able to accomplish much on a daily basis.

Red Hot Celtics

Can you believe it? I really don't know what to say. Last night's game was riveting. And a little bittersweet. I really like Delonte West. And in Red Sox news, you have to love being on top in the division standings, and 4.5 up on the Yanks. [Boy, the Yankees are in rough shape these days. And how about that psycho Yankee fan in New Hampshire, killing a Red Sox fan with her vehicle?]

I am on vacation from my day job this week, but it's been anything but a vacation! Doctors appointments, lots of Stella Marie work, shopping, softball, real estate research ... whew!

My mom is getting accustomed to her chemotherapy. And by this, I mean that she knows now what to expect. It's her week off, so she and her husband are spending several days at a Bed and Breakfast on the Cape.

Reiki

I am so psyched that my mom is going to be supplementing her chemo with some holistic therapies. One of her friends - and fellow college alum - is certified in the art of Reiki. She is going to be receiving treatments regularly. I am still in the process of finding a good meditation class for her.

I am thinking of getting her this as part of her Mother's Day gift:



Isn't it awesome?

Kris Carr, author of Crazy, Sexy Cancer, says, "Why, when we are challenged to survive, do we give ourselves permission to truly live?" I think this is brilliant.

Hodge Podge

Well, the Celtics lost their 3rd game in the series last night, despite a late rally. Garnett had 32 points. That man is a machine! On to game 4 (also in Atlanta).

Also, have you ever noticed that Jacoby Ellsbury looks a lot like Julianna Margulies?



So, my mother had her first chemo treatment last week and it went very well. She is experiencing some slight nausea, despite the anti-nausea meds they've given her. But we suspected as much since the oncologist's nurse had said that her kind of chemo would be especially nauseating. Nice. Thanks a lot. She's enjoying the Crazy, Sexy, Cancer Tips book I gave her, too. I think she is finding that she can relate to the author somewhat because she is also stage 4 (liver cancer = a total m*ther f*cker).

Oh, I forgot to report - our bad news bears-style softball team finally captured a win last week! We shocked ourselves to the core. We went through the entire frostbite season winless, and we even started out the spring that way (We lost our 1st game. Bonus: one of our best players fractured her index finger while trying to catch a line drive. She's on the DL for a few weeks.). We pulled a come-from-behind win out of thin air in the last inning! We screamed like a pack of little girls. The other team must have thought we were a bunch of pathetic morons. I wanted to let them know how huge this was for us, but decided it wasn't a good idea to inform them that they were the first team that stunk enough for us to beat. It was actually their pitcher's fault. She was a former fast pitch softball player and she just lost it in the bottom of the last inning. She was throwing shit way over people's heads and what-have-you. She walked a lot of batters. My proudest moment in the game was catching a high pop-up foul behind the plate (I am catching, still, until I get over the fear of blowing out the quads).

Switching gears: I had another successful spa party with my small soap business. The girls really enjoy complimentary facials! I was invited to a lovely home in Acushnet, MA and the turnout was sizable, so I did pretty well. My mom is hosting one for me in 2 weeks. And a gal from Raynham from the last party wants one, too. I feel really comfortable with the format now. Arrive, set up, mingle while people arrive, introduce myself and talk about my biz, allow the ladies to sample products while I make fresh facials (avocado/yogurt and oatmeal/honey), do the facials, set up the raffle (I raffle off draining soap dishes, loofahs, spa-style eye masks, a few of my products, pumice stones, etc), then do the money thing. It usually lasts 3-4 hours, but it goes by so fast. And all the girls usually know each other, so it's a nice way to spend an evening. Plus, I get to lower some of my prices a bit since there is no shipping involved and Yahoo/Paypal do not get their commission (I do the same at shows).

Speaking of my soap biz - I will be taking part in Somerville's Art Beat festival in July. Details to follow.

This Weekend Wrap

Well, the project from hell is officially over, save for a few minor details. I was able to take Friday off to spend time with Mom and prepare for Saturday's soap show. Check out the pics here.

After the show, we played kickball with friends of ours in Danbury, CT. I haven't down this since the 6th grade, but I must tell you that it was a lot of fun. I guess you just never really forget how to play and that pang of anxiety still hits you right before you kick the ball. I am still sore from playing. I'd better get over it quick, though, 'cause we start softball this week and we've got 2 games to play. Hope the quads hold up for me this year.

We also watched an awesome documentary called, "King of Kong" about 2 dudes competing against each other for the Donkey Kong record. I encourage you to rent this - it was very compelling. I remember when my parents bought me a ColecoVision. DK was a big time obsession in the house for many months. Video games sort of bore me now.

Mom starts chemo this week. She's getting "prepped" on Tuesday, then goes in for her first treatment on Thursday. I bought her a book called, Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips. She's a take charge type person, so I think that she will find this to be helpful. It's a real, "kick serious cancer butt" type book.

Speaking of butt kicking, both the Celtics AND the Red Sox were victorious yesterday. The C's made the Hawks look like a bunch of Strawberry Shortcake dolls in their 104-81 finish. And the Red Sox pulled the win out of thin air.

I can't believe the next Sox game starts in, like, an hour and a half.

Go Marathoners!

Notes from Today

I wrote this to my mother when I got home from the hospital today. She asked me to forward my notes to her. I am embarrassed by my phonetically-spelled medications. Remember: I am not a doctor.

Hi, Mom -

Here is a summary of the notes I took today.

Prognosis: Too early to say. Will have a better idea after the wave of chemo.

It is possible to have no jaundice and still have pancreatic, gall bladder or liver cancer.

It is possible to have an unknown primary site. This represents up to 10% of all cancers.

You will need to take Zometa for bone strengthening. Like Boniva, but much stronger.

Cancer was found in the lymph nodes and a cancer mass was found under the rib (explaining the discomfort you've been feeling there).

Check you blood sugar the next time you are feeling faint, sweaty, shaky or like you are going to pass out. (Please keep a snack in your pocketbook, Mom, in case you have low blood sugar).

You should stop taking Lipotor. This will reduce the amount of medication you are on and the doctor said that it is the one that you are receiving the least benefit from.

The doctor mentioned adenocarcinoma.

There are a broad spectrum of chemotherapies, but he would like to start you on (something I can't spell, but it will NOT cause you to lose your hair). I spelled it: "gysinimine splantim" in my notepad. Good thing I didn't go to medical school, huh? You will receive a scan after your first cycle to see how you do. If you respond well, you will continue onto another cycle. If not, you will be switched to Fulfox (again, my bad spelling). I wrote that one cycle is 4 weeks (1X a week, with a week off in the middle).

The doctor will supplement you with Amend, which will allow you to reduce the amount of Decatron you have to take. So, on days 1 and 2, you will take 4 mm of decatron, and on days 3 and 4, you will take 2 mm each day.

Dr. Enzinger will dictate a note to Dr. Matelski. He will get this by next Tuesday (4/15). This will contain all of his recommendations. And probably a better summary than mine. At least he'll spell the meds correctly!

I love you, Mom. You did great today!

xoxox

K

Please don't leave me to remain ...

Today, we embark on a day full of tests, waiting, filling out paperwork and talking to new doctors.
I am meeting my mother and her husband at Falkner Hospital in Jamaica Plain this morning - I am hoping that we know more when we come out.

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting

I am reading a book that a friend of mine has lent me about facing death and caring for the dying. It has a lot of good information in it, particularly the teachings and philosophies of Sogyal Rinpoche, a Tibetan Buddhist who specializes in the area of death and dying. This doesn't mean that I am giving up hope for my mother, but I think it is necessary to prepare a little part of you for something bad. This book is all about the "making every moment count" stuff I complained about in my last post, but in a different way. Just that even the littlest acts of kindness are so meaningful.

Mom's feet and ankles have started to swell. This worries me. The oncologist appointment is Friday, so hopefully we will know a lot more at this time. I am going to ask if they are going to do a PET scan or a PTC. We don't think that either of these has been performed yet and I suspect that the results of these two types of tests would be helpful in diagnosis.

We had dinner out with my mom and Bill last night. It was less than pleasant. My mom's condition has caused her to become easily irritated (understandable to me, but to a person who doesn't know what is going on and is just trying to do their job, it could be taken personally). Bill had had a lot to drink and embarrassed me greatly. Again, the waiter doesn't know that poor Bill lost his first wife to cancer and that he's now having to go through this all over again. All he knows is that there's a guy acting jerky and slurring his words, egging him on in a fancy restaurant full of people. At one point, I reached over to hold my mother's hand and spilled my ice water all over the place. Then, Jere took 2 bites of his food and became ill. All the entrees were between 15 and 20 bucks. Oh, well, the restaurant was a little too stuffy for my taste, anyway.

Like yesterday's Red Sox game, the day started out with promise. My best friend, Kara Muise (who I've written about before here) is nearing the end of graduate school and we went to her senior show. Amazing work! I will do a formal post/review when I can get my hands on some pictures.

Going to spend the day making soap. Ah, a break from all the insanity.

The Mystery Continues

Well, the cancer mystery continues. My mom went in for a colonoscopy yesterday and it is confirmed that there is no cancer there. Her doctor was very thorough. She had a precancerous tumor removed from her colon several years ago and he was worried that he missed some microscopic cells. I guess he didn't since she checks out fine.

This means that the primary cancer is either liver, pancreatic, gall bladder, or adrenal. The weird thing is, my mother has none of the symptoms consistent with any of these cancers. The first sign of them is weight loss and loss of appetite. My mother has gained several pounds since her surgery and eats very well. Jaundice is another big indicator of these types of cancer. She is not jaundiced. As the cancer has metastasized, I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't present any of these signs and symptoms during this advanced stage.

She and I talked for a long time last night. She said that the first thing she did when she got home was throw away all of the "get well" cards she received. She wants to try to have a normal life, despite what is going on. The cards, though well-intentioned, are depressing reminders of her illness. I don't blame her one bit. Speaking of well-intentioned sentiments, it really bothers me when people say, "Well, you'd better enjoy your time with your mother. Make every moment count." I don't think that people understand how that comes across. First of all, it's a lot of pressure. Hurry up and have those good times! The end is near! Secondly, it suggests that we've wasted lots of time in the past, but NOW it has to start counting. Get your watches ready! I know people mean well, and I know that words don't come easy in these situations, but this one doesn't help me.

Like Ice Cube Says ...

1. The weather was killer! It felt like the first official day of spring. Sunny, good smells, a prelude to the inevitable coming of milder times.

2. My grandmother is over her stomach flu and my grandfather spent the entire day outside painting the fence. They are both in their eighties.

3. I received a glowing soap review from Joanna of Product Body fame! And I received my first piece of feedback at my Etsy store!

4. Manny Ramirez got a huge homer in this morning's game. (How strange is it to hear Don and Jerry, announcing a live game, first thing in the morning? My grandmother was psyched - she's up at 5 in the morning.)

5. My mother discovered that the oncologist that she (and I) are seeing on April 11th comes highly recommended. He works at Faulkner Hospital and at Dana Farber. She remains in really good spirits and her last radiation treatment was today!

Can you guess what I am doing here? Many parts of my life are less than sunny right now. In an attempt to keep myself from sliding into a serious clinical depression, I decided to use some old fashioned psychology on myself and list all the good things/breaks I got for the day. Stay tuned for daily doses.

Saturdays with Janice

I spent the day with my mom and I guess her back is feeling a little better. She had her first radiation treatment yesterday. She has eight more to go. They are trying to shrink the tumors on her back so she can have some relief from the pain and discomfort.

You know, I used to think that someone with stage four cancer was bed-ridden, barely conscious and horribly gaunt. My mother has a healthy appetite, drinks a martini a day and gets around just fine. We had breakfast, went shopping and had lunch. I am trying to have a standing date with her on Saturdays. Stage four is basically when a cancer spreads to a different location from the primary site. It's like an escaped convict. A rogue. A loner. A rebel. It is possible to beat a stage four cancer if it's a treatable type. We now know that it isn't multiple myloma. It might be colon cancer, in which case they could operate to remove it, then give her a radiation and chemo combination to get rid of the cancer in the secondary locations. I don't want to get my hopes up about it, but I've decided that it's okay to be optimistic. I am not going to treat my mother like a dead person. I wouldn't want to be treated that way. Instead, we are already talking about how she can parlay this into a new career, if she survives it. She can become a patient advocate, specializing in persons with cancer. She is a very determined person.

Stage Four

I am pretty much in shock still, as I received word that my mother has been diagnosed with stage four cancer. I am so angry, so frightened, so sad. I understand that this is very grim. They still haven't identified the primary site. She has tumors in her lungs, on her sternum, at the base of her spine and on her pelvis. But they still don't know what type she has. They are sending her pathology out to another hospital.

She is 55 years old.

Words cannot describe how fucking pissed I am about this.

Clueless About Cancer

My mom is going in for a bone marrow biopsy as well as a battery of other tests today. We met with her radiologist on Wednesday afternoon - he seems like a nice person, but word on the street is that he is a bit of a foot dragger. Great. Oh, you have cancer? Well, I guess I'll see you in a couple of weeks, then. Actually, this guy seems alright to me. And he is very supportive of us wanting to go to Dana Farber. They are going to take care of the referrals and everything. They need to know the type of cancer (whether or not the bone is the primary sight or if another organ such as a lung or breast is the primary sight and the cancer cells have spread to the bone) and the stage. Once those 2 things are determined, a treatment plan will be put into place.

I have no idea what to do. I'm a trained project manager, so the most I can muster is to go to appointments with her, armed with my notepad, writing all this stuff down. I am trying not to read "success stories" as tempting as it may be. What if this is not a success story? I am afraid of what is going to happen to her, what kind of pain and discomfort she is going to have to face, and how little I am going to be able to do to control any of it. I spoke to my employer and I am able to take up to 12 weeks off (unpaid, of course) to care for my mom. I could also work out doing a 3-4 day work-week, if this is more conducive to her treatment plan. I just want to be armed and ready to fight at all times.

I made soap last night. I hope it's alright for me to do this, still. It helps me take my mind off of what's going on a little. But I still feel guilty. Like people are going to talk or something. Here her mother's got cancer, and all she can do its make soap for that damn small business. What a nice daughter!

I researched support groups and there is a caregiver support group in Newton that meets a couple of times a week. Although I am not her primary caregiver, I would still like to take as active role as I can. And I want to do a good job, so I am hoping that other people might be able to help me with that. I also need to figure out a way to deal with being so pissed off about this.