Sunday, April 13, 2008

Average is Underrated. Fo' Shizzle.

Man, the celebrity life has to blow. Just like the next sucker, I get drawn into these outrageous tabloid stories. I love a good train-wreck. It makes me feel grateful for this thing we called anonymity. It's nice to have privacy. I take great comfort in the fact that I can schlep to the laundromat in my Target yoga pants and Bikini Kill t-shirt - unshowered - and no one gives a damn. Do you think any of these celebs wish, just for a day, that they could blend into the crowd? I'll bet some of them do.

You can argue that it's all worth it somehow because the money makes up for it. What if, though, you could attach a real price tag to anonymity? Say that a person's anonymity is worth $50 million, tax free. That's a lot of money. It could even be more. Imagine how much money a celebrity doles out for security, private rooms, special covert services, etc. It's an ongoing expense. The bigger the star, the more expensive it is. And the paparazzi still manage to squeeze into their private moments and snap pictures of their disgusting, flabby butts on the beach. If you miss a spot shaving, people all over the globe are going to know about it.

And what about trust? Most of us have a few shifty people in our lives. It's unavoidable. But, the majority of the people we know and interact with are pretty honest and relatively trust-worthy. Because you can't offer them much except for the same treatment in return, most people are, "real." On the other hand, if you were an A-lister, there's a lot that the average person might want from you. Money, opportunities, exploitation. They aren't interested in the person as much as what the person can do for them. Pretty soon, you don't know who you can trust. You don't know who is going to stab you in the back next. You don't know which writer is going to tear your album or movie to shreds. It's no wonder these people all turn to drugs!

If you are a woman of average height, you'd better not weigh more than 95 pounds. If you are a man, you'd better start making some lady friends - fast! You don't want the media to start wondering about you.

There are so many problems and stresses with this kind of life, I don't think I could ever live it. I like my $50 million tax-free anonymity. I keep it in a perfectly-lit display case, right next to my Charlie Card and pictures of my friends, family and pets. Ah, to be average.

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