Sunday, April 26, 2009

Simone, Tell Me About Your Big But

Jere and I attended yesterday's wacko Red Sox-Yankees game. I had a good feeling going into it, even though Beckett was shakier than I thought he might be. It was classic tit-for tat, but we ended the game 5 runs ahead. Strange, too, because we started the game with a 6 run deficit.

I don't know if it was because of hormones or what, but I was a little less patient with the crowd yesterday than usual. And it wasn't even the Yankee fans who irritated me (we were fortunate not to have been sitting near any of them). Here is a list of people who grind my gears at baseball games.

Drunky McGee
I enjoy a couple of beers at the park. Baseball, beer, hot dogs (veggie dogs, in my case) - it's all good. But, what I don't understand is getting shnockered by the 2nd half of the first inning. And there is always some person who is either comatosed in their seat or totally belligerent.

Glamor Puss
These women don't come to the game with the intention of watching it. They may not know much about baseball at all. They spend most of their time in the ladies room, touching up their makeup and gossiping about how "Chah-lie was checkin' me out." The sign says FENway, not RUNway, ladies! Aren't there better places you can take your fake tans and boobs?

I don't text people unless I have to. No matter how far along the technology has come, I still find it to be rather clunky. But I understand that I am in the minority. Especially at Fenway Park, where Jacoby can't steal a base without hordes of people reaching for their phones to text someone who is obviously desperately waiting for an update. You can put cell phone people in this category, too. Why pay for super expensive seats when all you are going to do is spend 9 entire innings talking on the phone?

New Borns
Baseball and kids are a natural combination. When you see a little boy or girl at the game for the first time, you get all excited for them, knowing that this is a really special experience. All of their favorite players are going to be standing on the field in front of them. I think, though, that your average 3-month-old infant might not understand why it's so loud and windy. I am always so amazed when I see moms and dads bringing babies that can fit in the palm of one's hand to the game, along with all the crazy equipment that goes along with the baby. How can you even fit that stuff in the aisle? Is it really worth it?

Chatty Kathys
"So, like, I was all, huh? And she was all, what?" These people kill me. There is an exciting play about to unfold and here they are in some intense conversation about who the hell knows. The funny thing is, they seem to get annoyed with everyone in their section when they respond to the game. Like we are all interrupting their little chat. How rude we are!

The Beach Ball
Not a person, technically, but what is the point of this?

One of the most disappointing experiences is bonding with the fan next to you, only to find out later in the game that they are a homophobe (or a racist). I hate those "Jeter Sucks A-Rod" t-shirts or whatever, too. Why do grown men (or anyone for this matter) still feel the need to insult people by throwing out homophobic slurs? It's embarrassing and hurtful. News Flash: No one is impressed!

The Jabber
Maybe this person is part Drunky McGee. You know who I am talking about, right? The first jab is an accident. Maybe they apologize, maybe they don't. The second time you feel the elbow jerk you in the arm, you start wondering. Pretty soon, they almost cause you to spill your beverage because there just isn't enough space to accomodate all of the insane hand gestures they are using to express themselves to the person next to them.

Feel free to share your favorite baseball game attendees.

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Blogger Lucas said...

I had a guy who bought about ten beach balls to the game in the seat behind me tonight. No exaggeration! Throughout the game there was this strange whooshing sound of him blowing up another beach ball. Two rows in front of me there was a guy who apparently loved popping beach balls. Both parties were drinking. I was constantly amazed that no words were exchanged between these natural enemies!

April 26, 2009 at 9:08 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I can't believe they let him in with those things!

April 27, 2009 at 6:21 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Hi Kim! We were at last nights game and we had the most annoying girl on the planet in front of us. She was obviously going for "a look" of some sort that she just couldn't stick with. I can't begin to tell you how many times she put her hat on and off. Hat on, hat off, hair loose, hair in ponytail, pull bangs out, redo ponytail, pull bangs out, hat on, hat off, poncho on, poncho off, stand up, sit down, poncho on, hat off, hair out, take out ponytail, put back in ponytail, hat on, hat off, hat on, hat off, hat on, hat off, again and again and again and again.... She must have done this a hundred times! I wish we could have hit her with a blow-dart tranquilizer!

May 8, 2009 at 6:57 PM  
Blogger JS said...

Kennedys - The people sitting in the expensive seats who generally don't know much about baseball but feel it's important that everyone knows how wealthy and connected they are.

May 8, 2009 at 8:53 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Amy - Ugh, Miss Fussy Pants. I haven't had the pleasure of sitting nearby someone like this, but you described her vividly.

JS - Ah, yes, the Richy Rich types. Like, maybe the wives of Ernie Bach Jr. and Mayor Menino. They are always dressed to the nines, too. Add to that the people who come straight from work wearing suits. I guess if you got the tickets that day, this would be more excusable, but to me this is more like, "I am such a workaholic. Check me out!"

May 9, 2009 at 7:02 AM  

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