Simone, Tell Me About Your Big But

Jere and I attended yesterday's wacko Red Sox-Yankees game. I had a good feeling going into it, even though Beckett was shakier than I thought he might be. It was classic tit-for tat, but we ended the game 5 runs ahead. Strange, too, because we started the game with a 6 run deficit.

I don't know if it was because of hormones or what, but I was a little less patient with the crowd yesterday than usual. And it wasn't even the Yankee fans who irritated me (we were fortunate not to have been sitting near any of them). Here is a list of people who grind my gears at baseball games.

Drunky McGee
I enjoy a couple of beers at the park. Baseball, beer, hot dogs (veggie dogs, in my case) - it's all good. But, what I don't understand is getting shnockered by the 2nd half of the first inning. And there is always some person who is either comatosed in their seat or totally belligerent.

Glamor Puss
These women don't come to the game with the intention of watching it. They may not know much about baseball at all. They spend most of their time in the ladies room, touching up their makeup and gossiping about how "Chah-lie was checkin' me out." The sign says FENway, not RUNway, ladies! Aren't there better places you can take your fake tans and boobs?

Texter
I don't text people unless I have to. No matter how far along the technology has come, I still find it to be rather clunky. But I understand that I am in the minority. Especially at Fenway Park, where Jacoby can't steal a base without hordes of people reaching for their phones to text someone who is obviously desperately waiting for an update. You can put cell phone people in this category, too. Why pay for super expensive seats when all you are going to do is spend 9 entire innings talking on the phone?

New Borns
Baseball and kids are a natural combination. When you see a little boy or girl at the game for the first time, you get all excited for them, knowing that this is a really special experience. All of their favorite players are going to be standing on the field in front of them. I think, though, that your average 3-month-old infant might not understand why it's so loud and windy. I am always so amazed when I see moms and dads bringing babies that can fit in the palm of one's hand to the game, along with all the crazy equipment that goes along with the baby. How can you even fit that stuff in the aisle? Is it really worth it?

Chatty Kathys
"So, like, I was all, huh? And she was all, what?" These people kill me. There is an exciting play about to unfold and here they are in some intense conversation about who the hell knows. The funny thing is, they seem to get annoyed with everyone in their section when they respond to the game. Like we are all interrupting their little chat. How rude we are!

The Beach Ball
Not a person, technically, but what is the point of this?

Homophobes
One of the most disappointing experiences is bonding with the fan next to you, only to find out later in the game that they are a homophobe (or a racist). I hate those "Jeter Sucks A-Rod" t-shirts or whatever, too. Why do grown men (or anyone for this matter) still feel the need to insult people by throwing out homophobic slurs? It's embarrassing and hurtful. News Flash: No one is impressed!

The Jabber
Maybe this person is part Drunky McGee. You know who I am talking about, right? The first jab is an accident. Maybe they apologize, maybe they don't. The second time you feel the elbow jerk you in the arm, you start wondering. Pretty soon, they almost cause you to spill your beverage because there just isn't enough space to accomodate all of the insane hand gestures they are using to express themselves to the person next to them.

Feel free to share your favorite baseball game attendees.

Eri Yoshida

Check this out!

I think I am going to cry. Please make note of her idol in the article. Can you even stand it? Still trying to figure out what a sidearm knuckleball pitch looks like.

Also, from JapanToday.com:

With a side-armed knuckleball in the core of her arsenal of pitches, Yoshida took part in a tryout held earlier this month and passed with flying colors. The right-hander held male batters hitless for one inning in the final tryout and her successful outing helped her become one of the 33 players picked in the draft. The four-team Kansai independent league also features the Osaka Gold Villicanes, Akashi Red Soldiers and Kishu Rangers.

I think I'm going to start a fan club right now!

Cheaters

Roger Clemens. Figures. Maybe steroids is what caused old Chuck Knoblauch to throw balls into the faces of innocent old ladies in the stands. What a creep that guy is.

Mo Vaughn did it, too. *sigh* Steroids, not throwing the ball at innocent old ladies.

Am I Jinxing This Series?

Maybe I should say something more like: There was a game. Two major league baseball teams competed. One of the teams won. The other, despite a late rally, lost by a run. The two teams will face each other again today, in the last of a three-game-series.

Meanwhile, our softball team lost again. However, we played a lot better this time. I think it's because our roster was shorter. Teams thin out over the course of the year. It happens. I wound up with, what I can only describe as severe pain in both my thighs before the game even started. I stretched during warm-ups, but I may have over stretched and I think I was dehydrated. The result? It felt like I literally blew out my thigh muscles. It was the weirdest thing. It's never happened to me before. I managed to get on base during my second at bat, but I needed a pinch runner. Jere, however, was a super star. He executed a really heroic catch later in the game. It was sure to be a serious base hit, possibly a double. He back handed the catch, totally taking the wind out of the sails of the batter. It was an awesome thing to see. I'm still working through the thigh thing, but I'm determined to field during our next game. I can walk today. I guess that's good.

Important Series

Game 1: Andy Pettitte vs. Dice K

Game 2: Fatty Clemens vs. Eye of the Tiger Beckett

Game 3: Wang (Yawn) vs. Schill

It's no secret that I think Andy Pettitte is really cute. He's the only Yankee I've ever been sweet on. When he went to pitch in Houston, I thought it would have have smart to scoop him up, but now he is on a serious decline, just like the rest of them. (Did you see last night's Yankee game? Whoa.) Johnny Damon was not my type when he was a Red Sox, so he certainly isn't now. Jeter's head is way too narrow on the top for my taste. Same goes for Abreu. Bernie Williams was sort of too pretty. Cano is alright. Posada has the floppy ear thing plus a little horse face to him. Knoblauch = Rodent. Giambi = Reptile. Brosius = Doughy. Strawberry = Skinny. O'Neal = Rectangular. A-Rod = Don't Get Me Started. I thought that David Justice was really handsome, but then the whole woman beating thing surfaced. The result is: not handsome anymore. So, apart from Pettitte, I can't think of any cute Yankee players in recent times.

Game 1, as it turns out, will be the only one I will be able to watch. We've got a softball game tomorrow night and Thursday, I'll be at work. The Sox are up by 8 games, but we've still got 31 games left. Hopefully, we'll sprint to the finish. It all depends on how many nights off Francona intends to give our key players during key games. Word of advice for Tito: Once we've clinched the thing, THEN dole out the nights off. The only game I am concerned about is #3. I'm still not 100% with Schilling. I can see him losing it and getting pulled early. Or maybe he'll be all pumped and in the zone. In any event, I'm most comfortable with the Game 2 match up. Clemens is going to get rocked. You heard it here first, people.

Nutty Headlines

Barry Bonds is suing Curt Schilling for defamation.

And the Awfulman still sucks! I didn't know that Jose had it in him. I wish he could have applied some of that passion when he played 2nd base for the Red Sox. Jose "automatic out" Offerman moved into an Independent League after major league baseball had had enough. He was also known as "sack of potatoes" by me for his determination to blatantly ignore the fact that a baseball game was actually being played around him. Now this crazy assault business? That Jose sure is a tough one to figure out.

Lastly, Giambi, the fat lizard freak, is getting off pretty easily for taking steroids. How much you wanna bet he's still juicing? He's been all puffed out since last season. This up-down-up-down stuff doesn't fool me.

Is It Over Yet?

I love baseball.



I hate the All Star Break.



There is nothing more pointless than the Home Run Derby. Hey, let's watch a bunch of really seasoned power hitters take batting practice for a couple of hours! And then we'll act really surprised every time a ball gets hit hard! News Flash: These dudes get paid a lot of money because of their ability to hit. A really fun event would be to watch all these guys have an apple pie bake off or an Iron Chef-style cooking contest or something. A place where they are totally out of their element. I'd even like to watch them have a swimming competition. I don't know, it just isn't for me. I've never been a fan of this or any of the AS Break "festivities." The only thing I can honestly say I enjoy about it is the fact that you can finally root for guys you like, outside of the realm of meaningful baseball.

Go, Ryan Howard!

May 2007: The Month America Discovered "The Shouting Trick"

I had a professor in college named Ed Movitz. He was a real "tell it like it is" type. During one my friend Kara's group critiques (I went to art school, remember), several professors were discussing one of the artist's works. Evidently, it had some "vaginal" symbolism. The professors kept looping around and around as to whether the piece draws you in or sends you away. Good old Ed Movitz said only, "You're either in or you're out. Let's move on." Though I wasn't there for this moment, Kara relayed it to me and we've used this little jewel of a phrase for the past fourteen years. (It's in the same vein as, "It ain't over 'til it's over," delivered by Olympia Dukakis in Moonstruck. Endless applications.)

Where am I taking this crazy train? To the baseball cheating depot. I guess Jerry Remy and Dick Williams can joke about how "this kind of thing happens all the time" and "you've gotta do whatever it takes to get an edge" regarding A-Rod's deliberate attempt to confuse Toronto's defense by yelling "Mine!" as he ran down the 3rd base line. I've got news for you guys: It's cheating. Would you allow a pitcher to doctor up his ball? Would you allow a hitter to cork his bat? Does Major League Baseball allow the use of illegal steroids? Then why is "confusing the fielders" okay? Would it be alright if A-Rod had thrown a banana peel in the general direction of the ball? Does that happen all the time, Remy? I especially like that "happens all the time" line. So, you mean to tell me that since the dawn of professional ball, these types of shouts have been a routine part of the game, but it wasn't until May of 2007 that a man named Alex Roderiguez was actually caught doing it? Sorry, I don't buy it. Is there a section in the official baseball rule book about what kind of cheating is permitted and what kind of cheating isn't? Here's an angle: if it happens all the time, and a team has to do whatever it takes to get an edge, why, then, don't Alex and the New York Yankee staff proudly admit to it and gush over how "classy" it was? Why? Because it's wrong!

When it comes to cheating in baseball, I say, like Professor Movitz, you're either in or you're out.

Latest Painting

I took a snapshot of this construction site in New Haven some time around the holidays. I finally got around to painting it.

In other news: Roger Clemens has gone back to his old friends, the Yankees. I say: bring it on. I'll bet Schilling is licking his chops right now. Well, actually, he's pitching right now. But when he's done, he'll be doing the chop licking to be sure. The Yankees are beyond desperate at this point. It's pretty clear now.

And the Survey Says!

Saw this on Yahoo! today:


(Did he post this question himself? Is he thinking about starting a blog, too? Like Curt?)

Got to hand it to this guy:

El Guapo

I am fortunate enough to work for a company with lots of Red Sox connections and what-not. It all started when my company president, Marie Brown, launched a subsidiary called, "Brown House Books." Our first publication, a children's book called 86 Years: The Legend of the Boston Red Sox, was a huge success. It celebrated the 2004 World Champions, as well as provided a brief history of the team to kids. We received testimonials from Jim Rice, Johnny Damon (before he became a robot mutant), Stephen King and Tim Wakefield. Jason Varitek touted it during last year's Verizon Literacy Program and it won! One of my coworkers, who used to tend bar part time at Red Line in Harvard Square, handed a copy of the book off to one of Ben Affleck's friends (and frequenter of the bar). The friend gave it to Ben as a shower gift for his little girl, Violet. It then made it into the pages of People magazine. We are all very proud of this publication.

It seems that we have come to Chapter 2 in the Red Sox history of Brown Publishing Network. One of our editorial directors has a son who works as the marketing manager for The Nashua Pride. They just signed Rich Garces to a deal for at least one year. El Guapo wants to pitch again in the majors at some point. Evidently, he got his weight down to 230, so I think he's serious. I really liked that guy and I'm glad he's trying to make a come back. I wonder if this gives me any privilege, should I decide to get out to one of the games and watch him pitch. Preferably in killer seats!

I guess Jeter and A-Rod are no longer best buds. I saw that coming a mile away. When the Yanks first signed Alex, someone (I forget who - a New Jersey sports writer, I think) was quoted as saying that "A-Rod to the Yankees is like Bill Gates winning the Power Ball." I knew that the Yankees were due for the consequences of baseball hubris at that point. And so it began. I also remember thinking that there was going to be some serious tension between he and Jeter, despite the happy faces and hugs. At the time, I thought that Rodriguez was going to outshine Jeter and that Steincrabber was going to switch them, positionally. Funny enough, A-Rod just totally imploded. Anyway, I am sure that his lackluster performance has something to do with the "coolness" of their friendship. Maybe Derek thinks that it's going to rub off or something. Whatever.

The Skull

Probably way too soon and premature for discussion, but it appears that Mariano Rivera is somewhat miffed (as are some Yankee fans) that his contract has not been extended yet. Some think that it should be addressed before spring training this year, but Yankees front office has stated publicly that they have no plans to do so until after spring training. Mariano will be pitching during his option year and I have to admit that even I'm a little surprised that Steinpuke hasn't done anything about it yet.

I'm sure this is all getting blown way out of proportion simply because it's Mariano we're talking about here. My baseball brain has never even considered that he could close for any other team. I have this idea that he's cemented a deal with the devil for life. I don't think I'm wrong. The Yankees would be pretty stupid not to give him the extension. They've got the bucks, after all.

Meanwhile, what's going on with OUR closing situation?

McGwire

Well, I heard an interview on NPR today today with two sportswriters/Hall of Fame voters. One was from ESPN and the other from the Globe. Each voted differently, though they both concluded that their reasoning was the same: not enough information. The yes voter (ESPN) claimed that it is for this reason that he couldn't definitively say that he doesn't belong and the no voter (Globe) used this lack of proof to justify his ballot decision ("I can't vote for him unless I know exactly what he did"). The good news is that they both feel very strongly that Mark McGwire will get - at most - a whopping 25% of the vote.

This is really good news for Jim Rice.

New York Loses Its Johnson

RJ has left the building and I think it's hysterical. If ever there was a time that I'm thrilled in Theo's half-hearted interest in him way back when, it's now. I think he (Theo) made a token phone call to his (Randy's) agent before ole Stinkbrenner pulled out all the stops to get him. And Johnson was a mediocre starter, at best. Ah, well, they still have Pavano. Heh.

Meanwhile, I hope that the Sox abandon the Drew ship, if you know what I'm saying. Who needs damaged goods? Especially when said damaged goods are really expensive? It's the equivalent of buying an irregular Prada gown. I'd rather have a good one from Old Navy. At least I can wear it without having to adjust it a million times. I hear that Trotter is still available. Make a deal! He'll be super cheap!

Did any of you (local folks) hear Deval's inaugural speech today? I cried! I swooned! I cheered! I did the same when I heard the few sound bites from Nancy Pelosi's speech at the House of Representatives. She even let all the kids touch the symbolic gavel. Cute! Bob Oakes is on Greater Boston tonight. I always wondered what that guy looked like. And in a rare case, the image matched the real thing.



I really enjoy him and Delores Handy in the morning. Carl Kasell - with all his snorty inhales and exhales - is my least favorite NPR reporter.